The Pumpkin Patch.

It's amazing to realize how exhausting be a mother is, but it's even more amazing knowing that is all worth it when there are little moments like pumpkin patches every autumn. Every year since Madelyn was 5 months old, we take her (and now Luke as well) to Burger Farms to enjoy their Autumn festival and pumpkin patches. Every year they discover more and their little eyes light up every corner we turn. This year we went to the pumpkin patch after all the rides and events of Burger Farms and I caught a sweet little moment between Madelyn & Luke. As they were walking towards a smaller part of where they keep the smaller pumpkins Luke reached out for Madelyn's hand and they held hands as she told him about all the pumpkins they were about to see. I snuck behind them really fast to take pictures and this is one of those pictures that I have a feeling will always stay in my memory.

Here are some more pictures from that day:

So, what kinda sleeping pill can I give my 3 year old??

It's funny how when you have two children, how different they can be from each other. As new parents who wanted a baby so badly, I made sure I spent every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with my first born, Madelyn. I would hold her, rock her to sleep, sing to her at night and the moment she would make the smallest whimper, I'd be at her beckoning call. All of that, which I thought was a wonderful thing to do for your child, has truly come pack to bite me in the ass.

Madelyn, although is the sweetest most stubborn child in the world, doesn't sleep well. She goes to bed much later than the average 3 year old and it takes forever to get that child to sleep at night. We've fought with her, bribe her, sung to her, threatened her, anything to try to get her off to bed. We've tried sweetly to get her to sleep and we've tried letting her CIO. We've tried the "Super Nanny" approach and sticking to a nighttime routine. Once that works and she's asleep, it's not too long when she gets up several times a night to walk into our bedroom to try to sleep with us in our bed. Everytime, we walk her back into her room and get her back in her bed and soon after, here she comes again. This goes on every single night and has gotten worse in the last few months. She has her three year check up tomorrow and I'm up for any suggestions that we HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED they might have.

Hmm...(((scratching head))) I wonder what kinda sleeping pills I can sneak into her nightly sippy cup. J/K of course..or am I???

A chicken with her hed cut off.

Back last year, I was diagnosed with A.D.D. It was a breath of fresh air to learn about the disorder because in return, I learned about me. I had never felt great through out life. I've always felt like an outsider trapped in a world where distractions are apart of every breath I take. I've always had co-existing conditions that go along with my ADD such as depression and anxiety and never really understood WHY my antidepressants never really worked.

Back in May, I started taking Concerta. When Concerta wore off to quickly, my psychiatrist prescribed me Ritalin two times a day. Before taking Ritalin I never really understood what it was like to live in a normal mind. I never was able to walk out the door without going on tangents of what I saw in my path way to the door. Simple tasks to leave the house for example would send me on a map of distraction. I would see a sock on the floor on the way out, pick the sock up, put it in the laundry room upstairs and while upstairs, I'd notice that the wash needed to be put in the drier. I'd put the wash in the drier and realize that we were out of drier sheets. I'd go back downstairs to write "Drier Sheets" on the grocery list and wouldn't know where my pen was. I'd start looking for my pen when I'd come across a magazine in the drawer and start flipping through the pages. "GOD DAMN IT" I scream out in my head, "just leave, just walk out the door..where are your keys, where'd the damn keys go now..the laundry room?"..and it would start all over again. When the ADD would go on their "tangents" it would leave me miserable following the tasks that I didn't want to do. I don't want to be distracted like that. I want to be able to look at my goal and get there without the constant feel of clutter and impulsions that I feel on a daily basis.

When I started Concerta, it was like someone had cleaned my clutter up. I could aim twards the door walking right past the sock on the floor and not think a thing about it. I never knew that this was how normal people function. I never knew how easy life was when I wasn't constantly distracted by every single thing that was in my path. I can understand why people wouldn't get why these distractions would be so bothersome to want to take medication to stop it, but the point is, without the medication I CAN'T stop. I want to be able to hold conversations with people and LISTEN to them. I want to be able to hear what people are saying and not looking over their shoulder while they're talking to me wanting to know what's going on behind and around them. I don't want to be in the middle of a sentance and either forget what I have to say or start another conversation in the middle of a sentance. I just want it to stop and function like anyone else would.

On Thursday, I went back to the psychiatrist and she wanted to know how the Ritalin was working. I told her it was wonderful and that it really opened my eyes to the problems I was having. I said to her that the only problem was that I was having a hard time taking my second dosage of Ritalin in time so that it wouldn't affect my sleeping at night. She asked me to try one more drug before commiting to Ritalin and I was alright with that. She prescribed me Vyvanse at 50mgs a day. Today was my first day taking it, and it was the first day in almost 2 months that I've gone off on my "Tangents". It was all day long. I wanted to make Luke lunch, so I went to the cabinet, got him a gerber meal and plopped it in the microwave. I waited for a minute, went on the internet and had 5 browsers open. I went back to the microwave pulled out his meal, went to cut it up and cool it off and I saw a commercial for the "Obama Campaigne". I saw a picture of Obama as a child and thought to myself "Wow, that picture doesn't look all that old, I wonder what his age is"..and so I put down the knife and went to the computer to investigate his age and instead pulled up the other browsers and started looking around. It wasn't for another few minutes that I realized that I had been cutting up Luke's food that I needed to go back.

All while this is going on, there's a small little voice inside my head saying "stop, think, and then act, you need to finish what you were doing." The downfall to that voice is how quiet it is, because with all the other thoughts going on dancing around in this brain of mine, they control that little voice and I never listen to it..and that's sad. Needless to say, I don't think that 50mgs of Vyvanse is going to cut it for me. I don't like going back to the old Jill. The Jill who runs around as if she's a chicken with her head cut off.

Goodbye my 20's.

So, this is the last day I will ever be able to live in my 20's. I can never go back. I'm grieving it, pathetically. To say goodbye to my 20's..I decided to give them some credit for making me who I am.

Goodbye 20- You were a year of confusion. I didn't know where I was going or where I would end up. I floated around a lot when I was 20 years old and was always afraid of not getting the things I wished for in life.

Goodbye 21- Goodbye my bartending school, my bartending job hunt, my brief experience with Shawnee State. Goodbye my "legal licence" to have a drink and remember, to get an apartment by myself, to afford my bills and to kick back with my friends.

Goodbye 22- Goodbye my sorrow of a mother with breast cancer. Goodbye my then boyfriend, my now husband who helped support me through it by putting on women's stockings and parading in front of others to help raise money for breast cancer. Goodbye my friends who I once had no responsibity with who are now mothers like I am. Goodbye my first real job.

Goodbye 23- Goodbye my first trip to Disney World and to the little girl on the fairy boat telling me that it would be ok. Goodbye to the night I got engaged right before we went to a festival. Goodbye how I would look and clean my engagement ring on an hourly basis. Goodbye my engagement party. Goodbye to the World Trade Centers, to them memory of all the sadness that caused.

Goodbye 24- Goodbye wedding planning magazines, the knot.com, goodbye chosing the colors of my bridesmaids dress, the vendors and of course the night I went by myself to chose my wedding dress.

Goodbye 25- Wow, this the next few will be emotional for me. -Goodbye my wedding and all the wonderful people who came from all over to watch me marry my husband. -Goodbye my father, who I miss so dearly, I wish I could have had more time with you on earth. Your grandchildren would have adored you. -Goodbye my sadness and grief, I will never miss you.

Goodbye 26- You brought me grief and joy. Goodbye Clomid, Fertility tests, progesterone, HSGs and bloodtests, goodbye to my conception problems. Goodbye to the wonder if I'd ever be a mom. -Goodbye my first positive pregnancy test(s), my morning sickness, my dizzy spells and the night I banned Taco Bell. -Goodbye to the first time I felt my first baby move in my belly. -Goodbye the hours I spent choosing names and bedding. -Goodbye spreading my father's ashes in the wind over Lake Ontario. Goodbye my trip to Mertle Beach, goodbye my first and only trip to Las Vegas.

Goodbye 27- You were an incredible year that I will always look fondly back on. -Goodbye the 24 hours of labor. -Goodbye that moment I first held my Daughter, first diapered her, first held her. Goodbye post partum depression. -Goodbye the guilt I had from not breastfeeding her. -Goodbye Gymboree classes and the beauty of being a first time mother.

Goodbye 28- Goodbye the pregnancy test telling me I was pregnant with my son. Goodbye the fear of not knowing if I could handle two children. Goodbye my first home with my husband. Goodbye to the nursery that I sat hours rocking my firstborn in. Goodbye the butterflies on her wall. Goodbye to the blueprints and the decisions that come with building a home. Goodbye to the birth of my son. Goodbye to the name choices, the bedding choices, the planning and to the first time I ever held you. .

Goodbye 29- Goodbye my Madelyn's diapers, I'm glad yet so sad to see you go. Goodbye to regrets, doubts, and insecurities of being a mother and wife. Goodbye to first birthday parties and smashed cake. Goodbye breastfeeding and the blessing of being able to be a first time mother.

Goodbye my 20's.

Putting things in perspective.

I work for a place that helps women in crisis from pregnancy all the way up to having young children. Tonight a man came in with his step-daughter and a 13 month old baby. He was needing diapers, wipes and clothing for the little baby and began to tell us that his daughter up and left his grandchild and they have emergency custody of him. I then looked at his salary for he entire family and it was under $14,000 a year. The step daughter was poorly dressed as well as the baby and he just looked worn our and not knowing what to do. The little boy was 2 weeks younger than Luke, blonde hair and brown eyes, just like Luke and same build. Happy, but shy little guy and out of the few months that I've been volunteering there, this was the first time that I had to hold back from tearing up. HOW can a mother just up and leave that beautiful baby? I just couldn't help but think of Luke (and even Madelyn) and wonder if he wonders where his mom has gone. This grandfather was clearly over the moon for his grandson, but financially they were in no shape at their age to take care of him.

I've just been so sad since. I've got a $375 rug sitting in my front room that I can't return and don't need anymore and I can't help to think of that stupid fricken rug as they don't even have money to buy wipes or to buy him Milk.

I'm just sick right now

Rough Waters

I've had some rough waters recently with some odd things that have sprung up. It all started back in October when I decided to start seeing a psychologist, mostly because of Post Partum Depression. After several sessions, my Psychologist suggested for me to take a test to see if I had A.D.D. After she had diagnosed me with ADD, it was very clear to me that this was one of the many things that stood in my way all through out life. She suggested I talk to my primary care physician to go on medication to try to improve the quality of life. At the time, I was breastfeeding my son and wanted to wait to see if I could get coping advice from her instead of the medication at the time.

Come April, I decided to go to my Dr. with my diagnosis and try medication. He prescribed me Adderall and all was great. He then wanted to let me know that it was probably time to do a physical and make sure that everything else was going well. So, when the blood work came back, it appears that I could have a bit of a mess on my hands...literally. The first comment was "possibility of arthritis." Ok, not really what I was wanting to hear. My grandmother and several of my aunts have/had rheumatoid arthritus and with each of them their joints in their arms, fingers, wrists and toes had began to seperate, spread and cripple. My poor grandmother spent too many days of her life in horrible pain. I myself have always had an achey body, so I knew hereditary wasn't really on my side..but I just figured they were normal aches and pains. So, off to get hand x-rays and to arthritus doctor I go.

Then, he went on.....

"So, it also appears that something is going on with your thyroid." It's what he refered to as a "grey area" in which there's not a clear answer to whether or not there is a problem with hypothyroidism or not, so now I have to go to a specialist.

And last but not least, one of the tests they ran had shown a high indication for Lupus. Could explain some stuff, but I'm thinking that this isn't really the case. That's a big chunk though to bite off, Lupus. Nobody wants Lupus. I'm just crossing my fingers that this is not the case.

After that, he didn't want to mess with the Adderall because it's a controlled drug and he refered me to have one visit with a Psychiatrist so that they can properly prescribe what ADD/Antidepressant medication and dosing to give.

So, in the next few weeks I go to:

The Psychologist

To get hand x-rays done

To an endocrinologist

To the psychiatrist and then back to the regular Doctor.

Geez...I feel like I'm 90. Hey, BTW...aren't I still in my 20's? Atleast for the next week atleast.

Um, how bout no more Happy Birthday Lukie?

Luke's birthday party was great! We had a nice mild day for it to be outside on our newly painted deck, so I was relieved that we didn't have to have everyone in the house the entire time. The cake's turned out great, and OMG you should have been there to watch Luke SHREAD his birthday cake to pieces. It was like it was his job.

Madelyn, what a funny little stinker she is. His birthday was on the 24th and we had dinner out with our family and sung happy birthday to Luke. By the end of the day, she was starting to get jealous of all the attention he was getting and started informing us that it would soon be her birthday as well. Well, in a mere 6 weeks that is. After we had sung Happy Birthday to him at his birthday party on Sunday, she turned to everyone and said "Um, how bout no more 'Happy Birthday Lukie?" Someone was a little envious of all the attention her little brother was getting.

Thank You Matt Maupin.

In my home town of Batavia, Ohio, there are yellow ribbons attached to everything. To homes, to trees, to telephone poles, to signs, fences. There are American flags lined down the streets, and this has been going on for over 4 years now. I'm honored to be a resident of the town I live in. Along with those ribbons are signs saying "Welcome Home Matt" all throughout the town. You would think that a local hero was coming happily home after serving in Iraq, but when we welcomed this soldier home, it was for his final resting place. SO? Soldiers fight for our country everyday and many have died, why such a big deal for this soldier?Sgt. Keith "Matt" Maupin was a graduate from Glen Este High School (my highschool I graduated from) in 2001. When 9/11/2001 happened, like many young men and women he felt the need to defend our country, our families and our well being as citizens. He was deployed from Iraq and on April 9, 2004, our small town recieved "World Wide News and Recognition" that this brave young man of only 21 had been captured by a terrorist group and was taped sitting on the ground, surrounded by 5 gunmen horrified but saying he was "alright". These were broadcasted around the world and on Arabic television. Later, another video was released of a man, in a black hood standing by a shallow grave being shot. Four years, our community has kept the yellow ribbons up. Four years, our community has kept the "Matt, we are praying" in cups inbedded in the fence of his former highschool. Today we welcomed Matt home, because after 4 years, they gave in and told officials there this body has been dumped. I wish you could see my town. I wish you could see how it's decorated just right for the welcoming home of one of the only war's POW, MIA. It was so sad to walk in the building by myself to pay respects to this fine young man. There were HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of people visiting him. They showed clips by his military uniform of him at 3 months old, 6 months old, one year old, as a child, as a teenager, stepping onto the plane to go to Iraq..you stopped seeing him as a soldier and realize how young he was. I wasn't expecting to cry, but as I approaching the casket with the American Flag ontop of it, I couldn't help put have tears running down my face. I wasn't the only one.I just wanted to take a second to tell you how honored I feel to be in a community that gave such a respectable funderal and "welcoming home". I'm so glad that there are men and women brave enough to go over there and fight for our country, our families.

"Lemondrops..sweet and sour stories of life, love and little ones"

So, an online friend of mine who I would chat with came upon devistating news. Like me, she has a toddler and a newborn baby and is in full swing with life as a mother. Nursing her baby, recovering from delivery, and recieving news that her dream of becoming a mother may not last as long as she thought.

Emilie is a friend who I met through my board I had on MSN, TTC6mos+. I created the board in 2004 at a time when getting pregnant with Madelyn wasn't coming easily to me. It was a group of women who shared their stories and struggles with infertility and supported each other through the dreams of becoming mothers. The board flourished for a few years and then tapered off. Some of us went our own ways, others stuck together on other boards continuing to keep up with the lives of each other. Every once in a while, we'd hear some tidbits on our friends from our past and remember the great bond we used to have on our original board.

On Wednesday, I got e-mailed the news that Emilie was not doing well. I went on her blog, looked at pictures of her two beautiful children and read a post on how she was told by her Doctor that she has "uncurable cancer". I read the most touching words I ever read

"And then we cocooned ourselves in our house for the rest of the day and night, not going out or answering the phone. What followed — the words shared, the brokenhearted tears shed, the gestures of love exchanged, the precious innocence of our beloved children — I will leave to your imaginations."

and

"If there is a bright side to any of this, it's that the unimportant, superficial things in our lives have suddenly fallen away, and we are intensely focused on what remains truly important, which is each other, our family, and making the most of the time we have together now. "It feels like we just met again," Steve said. Like we're falling in love all over again."

Those words have moved me more than anything. My heart pours for Emilie and her family. I will pray for a miracle, for her to prove her doctor wrong. I will pray that her boys will know who their mother is, not only for the strong and amazing woman she is, but because she will be there to watch them grow.

Most of all, it really shows me that yes, I do in fact take life and my family for granted. After hearing word of her, I will no longer do so.

My last night with "baby" Luke..

Mr. Luke will be a year old tomorrow. I'm currently burying myself in lemon cupcakes with yellow and blue sprinkles for his playdate tomorrow. Where has a year gone? Where has my baby gone? I look at my children and know that I am so blessed. I wish I could keep them just how they are for the rest of our lives.
I love you Lucas. You've grown to be such a handsome, sweet, loving baby and even though you'll be a year tomorrow, you'll be my baby forever.

My Gran

I'm so sad right now. My Grandmother passed away last week while we were in Orlando, Florida. She was such a great woman who instilled value, honesty, and faith into me. She was a religious woman who gave to her family and her loved ones. I have so many memories that I will always hold dear to my heart.
Thank you Gran for helping me become the honest and respective person I've become. I will be sure to pass down your gravy and biscuit recipe, your jello cakes and your vegetable soup recipes to my children. I will remember the flowers you planted, the foods you made, the songs you sang and will always remember that tree roots can cry too. I'll remember to sing the "20 Froggies" song to my children and if I ever come across a pawpaw patch, I'll know to pick one up and put it in my basket.

Thank you Gran, and I will miss you always.

The Next Place by Warren Hanson
The next place that I gowill be as peaceful and familiaras a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet….it won’t be anything like any place I’ve ever been…or seen…or dreamed of in the place I leave behind.
I won’t know where I’m going,and I won’t know where I’ve beenas I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.
I’ll glide beyond the rainbows. I’ll drift above the sky. I’ll fly into the wonder,without ever wondering why.
I won’t remember getting there, Somehow I’ll just arrive. But I’ll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding onto me.
The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still that the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fil lthe listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies
of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze.
There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light.Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun and the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go Won’t really be a place at all.There won’t be any seasons—winter, summer, spring or fall—Nor a Monday,Nor a Friday, Nor December,Nor July. And the seconds will be standing still…while the hours hurry by.
I will not be a boyor girl,a woman or a man.I’ll simply be just,simply me. No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark or light.I won’t be fat or tall. The body I once lived inwon’t be part of me at all.
I will finally be perfect.I will be without a flaw.I will never make one more mistake,or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient,or was angry or unkind,will simply be a memory.The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.There is not one single thingI have collected in my lifethat I would ever want to bringexcept….The love of those who loved me,and the warmth of those who cared.The happiness and memories and magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude…I’ll never be alone.I’ll be embracedby all the family and friendsI’ve ever known.Although I might not see their faces,all our hearts will beat as one,and the circle of our spirits Will shine brighter than the sun.

SO, I think the South Beach Diet is more for me.

As far as dieting is going, I've switched to the South Beach Diet and started working out about 2 times a week. It's going pretty well and I actually am starting to feel better as well.

So, what's been up with me in the past month that I haven't posted?? Well, I got my hair chopped, about 6 inches. We're also getting ready to make a trip down to Florida's Walt Disney World on Easter. Why Easter you ask? Well, see it's a lovely story, really. My sister and my brother have been feuding for a month and I'm sure I see no resolution to it for atleast several more months to come. I was supposed to be hosting Easter at my house, but there's no way in hell I'm going to be in the middle of a warzone expecially at my own home...so fuck-em. We're leaving for Disney on the 20th (Thursday) and will be back the following Tuesday. I'm so excited to take the kids down because apparently they have a big Easter egg hunt at the hotel we're staying and and we're going to have Easter dinner with the characters while we're there.

Good news! Madelyn..my lovie, is POTTY TRAINED! Hooray!!! She hasn't had and accident in a week now and she refuses to sleep in pull ups. So, because she's staying dry 24 hours a day, dare I say we're done with diapers?? Hopefully.

Lucas just turned 10 months old. I can't believe my little baby is going to be a year old in two months. I can't believe I have to start planning a birthday party..it's just crazy. On Sunday, I returned the pump back to the hospital and I actually cried. It just feels like I'm giving my baby up one piece at a time. We're still breastfeeding, and will be until his first birthday but I never thought I'd say this, but it saddens me so much. I don't know if we'll have another baby again and just the thought that I will never hold my own newborn in my arms again just crushes me. I guess I'll just wait and see if my sister ever has another baby.

Speaking of siblings who will NOT be having any children, Anthony came out of the closet a couple weeks ago. We even met his..hell, what do you call them anyway...partner?!? He was a nice guy, both of them seemed to get along quite well.

Well, I hope to not go over a month again until I post. I'm at 174.5 today as far as my weight goes. I would love to be down to 168 by the time we go to Florida.

I could have done better yesterday.
I didn't do horrible, but last night for dinner I had 3 pieces of pizza and some watermelon (which wasn't bad). Today has been a little rough as well. I am really trying to cook healthy things for Madelyn because she doesn't eat very well. So, my new thing is to hide veggies in normal everyday food. This morning I made her pancakes with sweet potatoes in them. I ended up eating 3 pancakes with sugar-free syrup, but felt guilty because I bet that was about 9pts. Then this afternoon, the kids were crazy. I was trying to make 2 seperate lunches for me and Madelyn. I was making her Mac-n-Cheese, watermelon, yogurt and soy/chick nuggets. For me, I was having a turkey and cheese sandwich with a spinach salad. I ended up eating that AND about 1/2 cup of her macaroni.

So, according to my estimations (because I'm too lazy right now to calculate it into points) I think the sandwich was about 7, salad about 4 and mac-n-cheese probably 5? So as of right now, I have used 25 out of my 30point allowance. I.Suck.

I guess I'll have to have fruits and veggies for dinner tonight. I can manage it.

By the 2 week's SSTMBLC, I hope to be down to to 172 or better. I was down to 169 this summer...I can do this.

The SSTMBLC! Weigh in- Week 1!

On a toddler mom board I am a member of, we are doing the "Super-Secret Toddler Mom Biggest Loser Challange." What a mouthful! Yesterday was the first weigh-in and I'm still just down 3lbs. We have to take a picture of the scale and flick it off. I think it's to make sure that we're not holding on to anything to lower the weight. Either way it's funny.

Today, I'm going to be a "single mom" because Rob is out of town for the night. So, after I pick Madelyn up from Pre-School, I need write out a shopping list of all the things I need. I'm also thinking of maybe joining the YMCA's areobic classes. Yeah, me, mis-uncoordination joining an areobic class. I'd love to be the person standing behind me watching me screw up all the moves. Maybe Yoga would be better?

Anyways, I'm going to post the picture of the scale every two weeks. Here's today's weigh in and me flicking off the scale.

-3lbs!!

Well, I stepped on the scale today and I'm down 3lbs. That's about 6lbs from where I want to be by the end of January. I'm still unsure about how many calories to take in, but right now I'm just eating 30 points a day from Weight Watchers since I'm only breastfeeding 3 times a day. If I were BF full time, it would be around 36 points for the day. So, I'm just playing with the numbers.
Let me tell you, I am hungry..and that sucks. On a toddler mom board that I am a member of, we are doing "The Biggest Loser" challange. We all have to put in $5 and by I think June 1st whoever was the "Biggest Loser" wins the money. I have a goal to be down 30-35lbs by then. It would be perfect because that's when we're going to the Bahamas. That would but me down to around 145lbs. I haven't been to that weight in about 9 years. How sad is that?!??
On another note, Rob and I are thinking of taking a trip to Florida next month. We're both incredibly burnt out between him having a high stress job and the kids with Luke NOT sleeping. I'm not exhaggerating when I say he's been waking up several times a night. We're both exhausted. I took him to the Dr. yesterday and not only is he getting his top two teeth in, but he has yet another sinus infection. The kid's been on antibiotics now for 6 weeks between all the ear infections and the sinus infections. The Dr. gave us a some information last night on how to create better sleeping habits for him (ie..gentle crying-it-out). So, last night was the first night for that. It was rough to say the least. Because he's pulling up on everything, we had to put him in Madelyn's crib for the night because his crib hasn't been lowered yet. By the time he was done crying, he was standing up in her crib holding onto the sides and dosing off. It was funny to watch but I was really scare that he'd hit his head so I had to quitely lower him to his stomach and he was out within a few seconds.
Well, I'm placing some photos just for the hell of it from Christmas. So, here we go.

The hardest part for me is going to be to stick to a diet. Over the summer after having Luke I was so committed to losing weight. Over a 6 week period of time, I had lost 14lbs. That was the longest I have ever stuck to a diet and the most I've ever lost on one. For some reason, when I start dieting, I'll do really well in the beginning and lose a few pounds but then I stop. It's almost like I don't want to see myself succeed in losing the weight. I suppose I need to just take it one day at a time and try not to look at the big picture. Maybe it's just too overwhelming to know that it's not just a couple of lbs I need to lose but more like 40lbs.

Ughh..how am I going to make it??

Today is THE day

Well boys and girls, this will be the last day I spend being a chunk. I weighted myself this morning and I am 180. By the end of this month, I hope to be down to atleast 170 if not better. Because I'm still breastfeeding a couple times a day, I'm a little unsure of how many extra calories a day I need. I'm sure I don't need the extra 500 calories they recommend, but still need a little extra to make sure my milk supply doesn't drop. So I'll go right in the middle of the Weight Watchers points and say that I need about 30ish points a day.
My January goal is 170.