The Pumpkin Patch.

It's amazing to realize how exhausting be a mother is, but it's even more amazing knowing that is all worth it when there are little moments like pumpkin patches every autumn. Every year since Madelyn was 5 months old, we take her (and now Luke as well) to Burger Farms to enjoy their Autumn festival and pumpkin patches. Every year they discover more and their little eyes light up every corner we turn. This year we went to the pumpkin patch after all the rides and events of Burger Farms and I caught a sweet little moment between Madelyn & Luke. As they were walking towards a smaller part of where they keep the smaller pumpkins Luke reached out for Madelyn's hand and they held hands as she told him about all the pumpkins they were about to see. I snuck behind them really fast to take pictures and this is one of those pictures that I have a feeling will always stay in my memory.

Here are some more pictures from that day:

So, what kinda sleeping pill can I give my 3 year old??

It's funny how when you have two children, how different they can be from each other. As new parents who wanted a baby so badly, I made sure I spent every waking (and sometimes sleeping) moment with my first born, Madelyn. I would hold her, rock her to sleep, sing to her at night and the moment she would make the smallest whimper, I'd be at her beckoning call. All of that, which I thought was a wonderful thing to do for your child, has truly come pack to bite me in the ass.

Madelyn, although is the sweetest most stubborn child in the world, doesn't sleep well. She goes to bed much later than the average 3 year old and it takes forever to get that child to sleep at night. We've fought with her, bribe her, sung to her, threatened her, anything to try to get her off to bed. We've tried sweetly to get her to sleep and we've tried letting her CIO. We've tried the "Super Nanny" approach and sticking to a nighttime routine. Once that works and she's asleep, it's not too long when she gets up several times a night to walk into our bedroom to try to sleep with us in our bed. Everytime, we walk her back into her room and get her back in her bed and soon after, here she comes again. This goes on every single night and has gotten worse in the last few months. She has her three year check up tomorrow and I'm up for any suggestions that we HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED they might have.

Hmm...(((scratching head))) I wonder what kinda sleeping pills I can sneak into her nightly sippy cup. J/K of course..or am I???

A chicken with her hed cut off.

Back last year, I was diagnosed with A.D.D. It was a breath of fresh air to learn about the disorder because in return, I learned about me. I had never felt great through out life. I've always felt like an outsider trapped in a world where distractions are apart of every breath I take. I've always had co-existing conditions that go along with my ADD such as depression and anxiety and never really understood WHY my antidepressants never really worked.

Back in May, I started taking Concerta. When Concerta wore off to quickly, my psychiatrist prescribed me Ritalin two times a day. Before taking Ritalin I never really understood what it was like to live in a normal mind. I never was able to walk out the door without going on tangents of what I saw in my path way to the door. Simple tasks to leave the house for example would send me on a map of distraction. I would see a sock on the floor on the way out, pick the sock up, put it in the laundry room upstairs and while upstairs, I'd notice that the wash needed to be put in the drier. I'd put the wash in the drier and realize that we were out of drier sheets. I'd go back downstairs to write "Drier Sheets" on the grocery list and wouldn't know where my pen was. I'd start looking for my pen when I'd come across a magazine in the drawer and start flipping through the pages. "GOD DAMN IT" I scream out in my head, "just leave, just walk out the door..where are your keys, where'd the damn keys go now..the laundry room?"..and it would start all over again. When the ADD would go on their "tangents" it would leave me miserable following the tasks that I didn't want to do. I don't want to be distracted like that. I want to be able to look at my goal and get there without the constant feel of clutter and impulsions that I feel on a daily basis.

When I started Concerta, it was like someone had cleaned my clutter up. I could aim twards the door walking right past the sock on the floor and not think a thing about it. I never knew that this was how normal people function. I never knew how easy life was when I wasn't constantly distracted by every single thing that was in my path. I can understand why people wouldn't get why these distractions would be so bothersome to want to take medication to stop it, but the point is, without the medication I CAN'T stop. I want to be able to hold conversations with people and LISTEN to them. I want to be able to hear what people are saying and not looking over their shoulder while they're talking to me wanting to know what's going on behind and around them. I don't want to be in the middle of a sentance and either forget what I have to say or start another conversation in the middle of a sentance. I just want it to stop and function like anyone else would.

On Thursday, I went back to the psychiatrist and she wanted to know how the Ritalin was working. I told her it was wonderful and that it really opened my eyes to the problems I was having. I said to her that the only problem was that I was having a hard time taking my second dosage of Ritalin in time so that it wouldn't affect my sleeping at night. She asked me to try one more drug before commiting to Ritalin and I was alright with that. She prescribed me Vyvanse at 50mgs a day. Today was my first day taking it, and it was the first day in almost 2 months that I've gone off on my "Tangents". It was all day long. I wanted to make Luke lunch, so I went to the cabinet, got him a gerber meal and plopped it in the microwave. I waited for a minute, went on the internet and had 5 browsers open. I went back to the microwave pulled out his meal, went to cut it up and cool it off and I saw a commercial for the "Obama Campaigne". I saw a picture of Obama as a child and thought to myself "Wow, that picture doesn't look all that old, I wonder what his age is"..and so I put down the knife and went to the computer to investigate his age and instead pulled up the other browsers and started looking around. It wasn't for another few minutes that I realized that I had been cutting up Luke's food that I needed to go back.

All while this is going on, there's a small little voice inside my head saying "stop, think, and then act, you need to finish what you were doing." The downfall to that voice is how quiet it is, because with all the other thoughts going on dancing around in this brain of mine, they control that little voice and I never listen to it..and that's sad. Needless to say, I don't think that 50mgs of Vyvanse is going to cut it for me. I don't like going back to the old Jill. The Jill who runs around as if she's a chicken with her head cut off.

Goodbye my 20's.

So, this is the last day I will ever be able to live in my 20's. I can never go back. I'm grieving it, pathetically. To say goodbye to my 20's..I decided to give them some credit for making me who I am.

Goodbye 20- You were a year of confusion. I didn't know where I was going or where I would end up. I floated around a lot when I was 20 years old and was always afraid of not getting the things I wished for in life.

Goodbye 21- Goodbye my bartending school, my bartending job hunt, my brief experience with Shawnee State. Goodbye my "legal licence" to have a drink and remember, to get an apartment by myself, to afford my bills and to kick back with my friends.

Goodbye 22- Goodbye my sorrow of a mother with breast cancer. Goodbye my then boyfriend, my now husband who helped support me through it by putting on women's stockings and parading in front of others to help raise money for breast cancer. Goodbye my friends who I once had no responsibity with who are now mothers like I am. Goodbye my first real job.

Goodbye 23- Goodbye my first trip to Disney World and to the little girl on the fairy boat telling me that it would be ok. Goodbye to the night I got engaged right before we went to a festival. Goodbye how I would look and clean my engagement ring on an hourly basis. Goodbye my engagement party. Goodbye to the World Trade Centers, to them memory of all the sadness that caused.

Goodbye 24- Goodbye wedding planning magazines, the knot.com, goodbye chosing the colors of my bridesmaids dress, the vendors and of course the night I went by myself to chose my wedding dress.

Goodbye 25- Wow, this the next few will be emotional for me. -Goodbye my wedding and all the wonderful people who came from all over to watch me marry my husband. -Goodbye my father, who I miss so dearly, I wish I could have had more time with you on earth. Your grandchildren would have adored you. -Goodbye my sadness and grief, I will never miss you.

Goodbye 26- You brought me grief and joy. Goodbye Clomid, Fertility tests, progesterone, HSGs and bloodtests, goodbye to my conception problems. Goodbye to the wonder if I'd ever be a mom. -Goodbye my first positive pregnancy test(s), my morning sickness, my dizzy spells and the night I banned Taco Bell. -Goodbye to the first time I felt my first baby move in my belly. -Goodbye the hours I spent choosing names and bedding. -Goodbye spreading my father's ashes in the wind over Lake Ontario. Goodbye my trip to Mertle Beach, goodbye my first and only trip to Las Vegas.

Goodbye 27- You were an incredible year that I will always look fondly back on. -Goodbye the 24 hours of labor. -Goodbye that moment I first held my Daughter, first diapered her, first held her. Goodbye post partum depression. -Goodbye the guilt I had from not breastfeeding her. -Goodbye Gymboree classes and the beauty of being a first time mother.

Goodbye 28- Goodbye the pregnancy test telling me I was pregnant with my son. Goodbye the fear of not knowing if I could handle two children. Goodbye my first home with my husband. Goodbye to the nursery that I sat hours rocking my firstborn in. Goodbye the butterflies on her wall. Goodbye to the blueprints and the decisions that come with building a home. Goodbye to the birth of my son. Goodbye to the name choices, the bedding choices, the planning and to the first time I ever held you. .

Goodbye 29- Goodbye my Madelyn's diapers, I'm glad yet so sad to see you go. Goodbye to regrets, doubts, and insecurities of being a mother and wife. Goodbye to first birthday parties and smashed cake. Goodbye breastfeeding and the blessing of being able to be a first time mother.

Goodbye my 20's.

Putting things in perspective.

I work for a place that helps women in crisis from pregnancy all the way up to having young children. Tonight a man came in with his step-daughter and a 13 month old baby. He was needing diapers, wipes and clothing for the little baby and began to tell us that his daughter up and left his grandchild and they have emergency custody of him. I then looked at his salary for he entire family and it was under $14,000 a year. The step daughter was poorly dressed as well as the baby and he just looked worn our and not knowing what to do. The little boy was 2 weeks younger than Luke, blonde hair and brown eyes, just like Luke and same build. Happy, but shy little guy and out of the few months that I've been volunteering there, this was the first time that I had to hold back from tearing up. HOW can a mother just up and leave that beautiful baby? I just couldn't help but think of Luke (and even Madelyn) and wonder if he wonders where his mom has gone. This grandfather was clearly over the moon for his grandson, but financially they were in no shape at their age to take care of him.

I've just been so sad since. I've got a $375 rug sitting in my front room that I can't return and don't need anymore and I can't help to think of that stupid fricken rug as they don't even have money to buy wipes or to buy him Milk.

I'm just sick right now

Rough Waters

I've had some rough waters recently with some odd things that have sprung up. It all started back in October when I decided to start seeing a psychologist, mostly because of Post Partum Depression. After several sessions, my Psychologist suggested for me to take a test to see if I had A.D.D. After she had diagnosed me with ADD, it was very clear to me that this was one of the many things that stood in my way all through out life. She suggested I talk to my primary care physician to go on medication to try to improve the quality of life. At the time, I was breastfeeding my son and wanted to wait to see if I could get coping advice from her instead of the medication at the time.

Come April, I decided to go to my Dr. with my diagnosis and try medication. He prescribed me Adderall and all was great. He then wanted to let me know that it was probably time to do a physical and make sure that everything else was going well. So, when the blood work came back, it appears that I could have a bit of a mess on my hands...literally. The first comment was "possibility of arthritis." Ok, not really what I was wanting to hear. My grandmother and several of my aunts have/had rheumatoid arthritus and with each of them their joints in their arms, fingers, wrists and toes had began to seperate, spread and cripple. My poor grandmother spent too many days of her life in horrible pain. I myself have always had an achey body, so I knew hereditary wasn't really on my side..but I just figured they were normal aches and pains. So, off to get hand x-rays and to arthritus doctor I go.

Then, he went on.....

"So, it also appears that something is going on with your thyroid." It's what he refered to as a "grey area" in which there's not a clear answer to whether or not there is a problem with hypothyroidism or not, so now I have to go to a specialist.

And last but not least, one of the tests they ran had shown a high indication for Lupus. Could explain some stuff, but I'm thinking that this isn't really the case. That's a big chunk though to bite off, Lupus. Nobody wants Lupus. I'm just crossing my fingers that this is not the case.

After that, he didn't want to mess with the Adderall because it's a controlled drug and he refered me to have one visit with a Psychiatrist so that they can properly prescribe what ADD/Antidepressant medication and dosing to give.

So, in the next few weeks I go to:

The Psychologist

To get hand x-rays done

To an endocrinologist

To the psychiatrist and then back to the regular Doctor.

Geez...I feel like I'm 90. Hey, BTW...aren't I still in my 20's? Atleast for the next week atleast.

Um, how bout no more Happy Birthday Lukie?

Luke's birthday party was great! We had a nice mild day for it to be outside on our newly painted deck, so I was relieved that we didn't have to have everyone in the house the entire time. The cake's turned out great, and OMG you should have been there to watch Luke SHREAD his birthday cake to pieces. It was like it was his job.

Madelyn, what a funny little stinker she is. His birthday was on the 24th and we had dinner out with our family and sung happy birthday to Luke. By the end of the day, she was starting to get jealous of all the attention he was getting and started informing us that it would soon be her birthday as well. Well, in a mere 6 weeks that is. After we had sung Happy Birthday to him at his birthday party on Sunday, she turned to everyone and said "Um, how bout no more 'Happy Birthday Lukie?" Someone was a little envious of all the attention her little brother was getting.