Goodbye my 20's.

So, this is the last day I will ever be able to live in my 20's. I can never go back. I'm grieving it, pathetically. To say goodbye to my 20's..I decided to give them some credit for making me who I am.

Goodbye 20- You were a year of confusion. I didn't know where I was going or where I would end up. I floated around a lot when I was 20 years old and was always afraid of not getting the things I wished for in life.

Goodbye 21- Goodbye my bartending school, my bartending job hunt, my brief experience with Shawnee State. Goodbye my "legal licence" to have a drink and remember, to get an apartment by myself, to afford my bills and to kick back with my friends.

Goodbye 22- Goodbye my sorrow of a mother with breast cancer. Goodbye my then boyfriend, my now husband who helped support me through it by putting on women's stockings and parading in front of others to help raise money for breast cancer. Goodbye my friends who I once had no responsibity with who are now mothers like I am. Goodbye my first real job.

Goodbye 23- Goodbye my first trip to Disney World and to the little girl on the fairy boat telling me that it would be ok. Goodbye to the night I got engaged right before we went to a festival. Goodbye how I would look and clean my engagement ring on an hourly basis. Goodbye my engagement party. Goodbye to the World Trade Centers, to them memory of all the sadness that caused.

Goodbye 24- Goodbye wedding planning magazines, the knot.com, goodbye chosing the colors of my bridesmaids dress, the vendors and of course the night I went by myself to chose my wedding dress.

Goodbye 25- Wow, this the next few will be emotional for me. -Goodbye my wedding and all the wonderful people who came from all over to watch me marry my husband. -Goodbye my father, who I miss so dearly, I wish I could have had more time with you on earth. Your grandchildren would have adored you. -Goodbye my sadness and grief, I will never miss you.

Goodbye 26- You brought me grief and joy. Goodbye Clomid, Fertility tests, progesterone, HSGs and bloodtests, goodbye to my conception problems. Goodbye to the wonder if I'd ever be a mom. -Goodbye my first positive pregnancy test(s), my morning sickness, my dizzy spells and the night I banned Taco Bell. -Goodbye to the first time I felt my first baby move in my belly. -Goodbye the hours I spent choosing names and bedding. -Goodbye spreading my father's ashes in the wind over Lake Ontario. Goodbye my trip to Mertle Beach, goodbye my first and only trip to Las Vegas.

Goodbye 27- You were an incredible year that I will always look fondly back on. -Goodbye the 24 hours of labor. -Goodbye that moment I first held my Daughter, first diapered her, first held her. Goodbye post partum depression. -Goodbye the guilt I had from not breastfeeding her. -Goodbye Gymboree classes and the beauty of being a first time mother.

Goodbye 28- Goodbye the pregnancy test telling me I was pregnant with my son. Goodbye the fear of not knowing if I could handle two children. Goodbye my first home with my husband. Goodbye to the nursery that I sat hours rocking my firstborn in. Goodbye the butterflies on her wall. Goodbye to the blueprints and the decisions that come with building a home. Goodbye to the birth of my son. Goodbye to the name choices, the bedding choices, the planning and to the first time I ever held you. .

Goodbye 29- Goodbye my Madelyn's diapers, I'm glad yet so sad to see you go. Goodbye to regrets, doubts, and insecurities of being a mother and wife. Goodbye to first birthday parties and smashed cake. Goodbye breastfeeding and the blessing of being able to be a first time mother.

Goodbye my 20's.

Putting things in perspective.

I work for a place that helps women in crisis from pregnancy all the way up to having young children. Tonight a man came in with his step-daughter and a 13 month old baby. He was needing diapers, wipes and clothing for the little baby and began to tell us that his daughter up and left his grandchild and they have emergency custody of him. I then looked at his salary for he entire family and it was under $14,000 a year. The step daughter was poorly dressed as well as the baby and he just looked worn our and not knowing what to do. The little boy was 2 weeks younger than Luke, blonde hair and brown eyes, just like Luke and same build. Happy, but shy little guy and out of the few months that I've been volunteering there, this was the first time that I had to hold back from tearing up. HOW can a mother just up and leave that beautiful baby? I just couldn't help but think of Luke (and even Madelyn) and wonder if he wonders where his mom has gone. This grandfather was clearly over the moon for his grandson, but financially they were in no shape at their age to take care of him.

I've just been so sad since. I've got a $375 rug sitting in my front room that I can't return and don't need anymore and I can't help to think of that stupid fricken rug as they don't even have money to buy wipes or to buy him Milk.

I'm just sick right now

Rough Waters

I've had some rough waters recently with some odd things that have sprung up. It all started back in October when I decided to start seeing a psychologist, mostly because of Post Partum Depression. After several sessions, my Psychologist suggested for me to take a test to see if I had A.D.D. After she had diagnosed me with ADD, it was very clear to me that this was one of the many things that stood in my way all through out life. She suggested I talk to my primary care physician to go on medication to try to improve the quality of life. At the time, I was breastfeeding my son and wanted to wait to see if I could get coping advice from her instead of the medication at the time.

Come April, I decided to go to my Dr. with my diagnosis and try medication. He prescribed me Adderall and all was great. He then wanted to let me know that it was probably time to do a physical and make sure that everything else was going well. So, when the blood work came back, it appears that I could have a bit of a mess on my hands...literally. The first comment was "possibility of arthritis." Ok, not really what I was wanting to hear. My grandmother and several of my aunts have/had rheumatoid arthritus and with each of them their joints in their arms, fingers, wrists and toes had began to seperate, spread and cripple. My poor grandmother spent too many days of her life in horrible pain. I myself have always had an achey body, so I knew hereditary wasn't really on my side..but I just figured they were normal aches and pains. So, off to get hand x-rays and to arthritus doctor I go.

Then, he went on.....

"So, it also appears that something is going on with your thyroid." It's what he refered to as a "grey area" in which there's not a clear answer to whether or not there is a problem with hypothyroidism or not, so now I have to go to a specialist.

And last but not least, one of the tests they ran had shown a high indication for Lupus. Could explain some stuff, but I'm thinking that this isn't really the case. That's a big chunk though to bite off, Lupus. Nobody wants Lupus. I'm just crossing my fingers that this is not the case.

After that, he didn't want to mess with the Adderall because it's a controlled drug and he refered me to have one visit with a Psychiatrist so that they can properly prescribe what ADD/Antidepressant medication and dosing to give.

So, in the next few weeks I go to:

The Psychologist

To get hand x-rays done

To an endocrinologist

To the psychiatrist and then back to the regular Doctor.

Geez...I feel like I'm 90. Hey, BTW...aren't I still in my 20's? Atleast for the next week atleast.

Um, how bout no more Happy Birthday Lukie?

Luke's birthday party was great! We had a nice mild day for it to be outside on our newly painted deck, so I was relieved that we didn't have to have everyone in the house the entire time. The cake's turned out great, and OMG you should have been there to watch Luke SHREAD his birthday cake to pieces. It was like it was his job.

Madelyn, what a funny little stinker she is. His birthday was on the 24th and we had dinner out with our family and sung happy birthday to Luke. By the end of the day, she was starting to get jealous of all the attention he was getting and started informing us that it would soon be her birthday as well. Well, in a mere 6 weeks that is. After we had sung Happy Birthday to him at his birthday party on Sunday, she turned to everyone and said "Um, how bout no more 'Happy Birthday Lukie?" Someone was a little envious of all the attention her little brother was getting.

Thank You Matt Maupin.

In my home town of Batavia, Ohio, there are yellow ribbons attached to everything. To homes, to trees, to telephone poles, to signs, fences. There are American flags lined down the streets, and this has been going on for over 4 years now. I'm honored to be a resident of the town I live in. Along with those ribbons are signs saying "Welcome Home Matt" all throughout the town. You would think that a local hero was coming happily home after serving in Iraq, but when we welcomed this soldier home, it was for his final resting place. SO? Soldiers fight for our country everyday and many have died, why such a big deal for this soldier?Sgt. Keith "Matt" Maupin was a graduate from Glen Este High School (my highschool I graduated from) in 2001. When 9/11/2001 happened, like many young men and women he felt the need to defend our country, our families and our well being as citizens. He was deployed from Iraq and on April 9, 2004, our small town recieved "World Wide News and Recognition" that this brave young man of only 21 had been captured by a terrorist group and was taped sitting on the ground, surrounded by 5 gunmen horrified but saying he was "alright". These were broadcasted around the world and on Arabic television. Later, another video was released of a man, in a black hood standing by a shallow grave being shot. Four years, our community has kept the yellow ribbons up. Four years, our community has kept the "Matt, we are praying" in cups inbedded in the fence of his former highschool. Today we welcomed Matt home, because after 4 years, they gave in and told officials there this body has been dumped. I wish you could see my town. I wish you could see how it's decorated just right for the welcoming home of one of the only war's POW, MIA. It was so sad to walk in the building by myself to pay respects to this fine young man. There were HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of people visiting him. They showed clips by his military uniform of him at 3 months old, 6 months old, one year old, as a child, as a teenager, stepping onto the plane to go to Iraq..you stopped seeing him as a soldier and realize how young he was. I wasn't expecting to cry, but as I approaching the casket with the American Flag ontop of it, I couldn't help put have tears running down my face. I wasn't the only one.I just wanted to take a second to tell you how honored I feel to be in a community that gave such a respectable funderal and "welcoming home". I'm so glad that there are men and women brave enough to go over there and fight for our country, our families.

"Lemondrops..sweet and sour stories of life, love and little ones"

So, an online friend of mine who I would chat with came upon devistating news. Like me, she has a toddler and a newborn baby and is in full swing with life as a mother. Nursing her baby, recovering from delivery, and recieving news that her dream of becoming a mother may not last as long as she thought.

Emilie is a friend who I met through my board I had on MSN, TTC6mos+. I created the board in 2004 at a time when getting pregnant with Madelyn wasn't coming easily to me. It was a group of women who shared their stories and struggles with infertility and supported each other through the dreams of becoming mothers. The board flourished for a few years and then tapered off. Some of us went our own ways, others stuck together on other boards continuing to keep up with the lives of each other. Every once in a while, we'd hear some tidbits on our friends from our past and remember the great bond we used to have on our original board.

On Wednesday, I got e-mailed the news that Emilie was not doing well. I went on her blog, looked at pictures of her two beautiful children and read a post on how she was told by her Doctor that she has "uncurable cancer". I read the most touching words I ever read

"And then we cocooned ourselves in our house for the rest of the day and night, not going out or answering the phone. What followed — the words shared, the brokenhearted tears shed, the gestures of love exchanged, the precious innocence of our beloved children — I will leave to your imaginations."

and

"If there is a bright side to any of this, it's that the unimportant, superficial things in our lives have suddenly fallen away, and we are intensely focused on what remains truly important, which is each other, our family, and making the most of the time we have together now. "It feels like we just met again," Steve said. Like we're falling in love all over again."

Those words have moved me more than anything. My heart pours for Emilie and her family. I will pray for a miracle, for her to prove her doctor wrong. I will pray that her boys will know who their mother is, not only for the strong and amazing woman she is, but because she will be there to watch them grow.

Most of all, it really shows me that yes, I do in fact take life and my family for granted. After hearing word of her, I will no longer do so.

My last night with "baby" Luke..

Mr. Luke will be a year old tomorrow. I'm currently burying myself in lemon cupcakes with yellow and blue sprinkles for his playdate tomorrow. Where has a year gone? Where has my baby gone? I look at my children and know that I am so blessed. I wish I could keep them just how they are for the rest of our lives.
I love you Lucas. You've grown to be such a handsome, sweet, loving baby and even though you'll be a year tomorrow, you'll be my baby forever.