Thank You Matt Maupin.

In my home town of Batavia, Ohio, there are yellow ribbons attached to everything. To homes, to trees, to telephone poles, to signs, fences. There are American flags lined down the streets, and this has been going on for over 4 years now. I'm honored to be a resident of the town I live in. Along with those ribbons are signs saying "Welcome Home Matt" all throughout the town. You would think that a local hero was coming happily home after serving in Iraq, but when we welcomed this soldier home, it was for his final resting place. SO? Soldiers fight for our country everyday and many have died, why such a big deal for this soldier?Sgt. Keith "Matt" Maupin was a graduate from Glen Este High School (my highschool I graduated from) in 2001. When 9/11/2001 happened, like many young men and women he felt the need to defend our country, our families and our well being as citizens. He was deployed from Iraq and on April 9, 2004, our small town recieved "World Wide News and Recognition" that this brave young man of only 21 had been captured by a terrorist group and was taped sitting on the ground, surrounded by 5 gunmen horrified but saying he was "alright". These were broadcasted around the world and on Arabic television. Later, another video was released of a man, in a black hood standing by a shallow grave being shot. Four years, our community has kept the yellow ribbons up. Four years, our community has kept the "Matt, we are praying" in cups inbedded in the fence of his former highschool. Today we welcomed Matt home, because after 4 years, they gave in and told officials there this body has been dumped. I wish you could see my town. I wish you could see how it's decorated just right for the welcoming home of one of the only war's POW, MIA. It was so sad to walk in the building by myself to pay respects to this fine young man. There were HUNDREDS, if not THOUSANDS of people visiting him. They showed clips by his military uniform of him at 3 months old, 6 months old, one year old, as a child, as a teenager, stepping onto the plane to go to Iraq..you stopped seeing him as a soldier and realize how young he was. I wasn't expecting to cry, but as I approaching the casket with the American Flag ontop of it, I couldn't help put have tears running down my face. I wasn't the only one.I just wanted to take a second to tell you how honored I feel to be in a community that gave such a respectable funderal and "welcoming home". I'm so glad that there are men and women brave enough to go over there and fight for our country, our families.

"Lemondrops..sweet and sour stories of life, love and little ones"

So, an online friend of mine who I would chat with came upon devistating news. Like me, she has a toddler and a newborn baby and is in full swing with life as a mother. Nursing her baby, recovering from delivery, and recieving news that her dream of becoming a mother may not last as long as she thought.

Emilie is a friend who I met through my board I had on MSN, TTC6mos+. I created the board in 2004 at a time when getting pregnant with Madelyn wasn't coming easily to me. It was a group of women who shared their stories and struggles with infertility and supported each other through the dreams of becoming mothers. The board flourished for a few years and then tapered off. Some of us went our own ways, others stuck together on other boards continuing to keep up with the lives of each other. Every once in a while, we'd hear some tidbits on our friends from our past and remember the great bond we used to have on our original board.

On Wednesday, I got e-mailed the news that Emilie was not doing well. I went on her blog, looked at pictures of her two beautiful children and read a post on how she was told by her Doctor that she has "uncurable cancer". I read the most touching words I ever read

"And then we cocooned ourselves in our house for the rest of the day and night, not going out or answering the phone. What followed — the words shared, the brokenhearted tears shed, the gestures of love exchanged, the precious innocence of our beloved children — I will leave to your imaginations."

and

"If there is a bright side to any of this, it's that the unimportant, superficial things in our lives have suddenly fallen away, and we are intensely focused on what remains truly important, which is each other, our family, and making the most of the time we have together now. "It feels like we just met again," Steve said. Like we're falling in love all over again."

Those words have moved me more than anything. My heart pours for Emilie and her family. I will pray for a miracle, for her to prove her doctor wrong. I will pray that her boys will know who their mother is, not only for the strong and amazing woman she is, but because she will be there to watch them grow.

Most of all, it really shows me that yes, I do in fact take life and my family for granted. After hearing word of her, I will no longer do so.

My last night with "baby" Luke..

Mr. Luke will be a year old tomorrow. I'm currently burying myself in lemon cupcakes with yellow and blue sprinkles for his playdate tomorrow. Where has a year gone? Where has my baby gone? I look at my children and know that I am so blessed. I wish I could keep them just how they are for the rest of our lives.
I love you Lucas. You've grown to be such a handsome, sweet, loving baby and even though you'll be a year tomorrow, you'll be my baby forever.

My Gran

I'm so sad right now. My Grandmother passed away last week while we were in Orlando, Florida. She was such a great woman who instilled value, honesty, and faith into me. She was a religious woman who gave to her family and her loved ones. I have so many memories that I will always hold dear to my heart.
Thank you Gran for helping me become the honest and respective person I've become. I will be sure to pass down your gravy and biscuit recipe, your jello cakes and your vegetable soup recipes to my children. I will remember the flowers you planted, the foods you made, the songs you sang and will always remember that tree roots can cry too. I'll remember to sing the "20 Froggies" song to my children and if I ever come across a pawpaw patch, I'll know to pick one up and put it in my basket.

Thank you Gran, and I will miss you always.

The Next Place by Warren Hanson
The next place that I gowill be as peaceful and familiaras a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet….it won’t be anything like any place I’ve ever been…or seen…or dreamed of in the place I leave behind.
I won’t know where I’m going,and I won’t know where I’ve beenas I tumble through the always and look back toward the when.
I’ll glide beyond the rainbows. I’ll drift above the sky. I’ll fly into the wonder,without ever wondering why.
I won’t remember getting there, Somehow I’ll just arrive. But I’ll know that I belong there and will feel much more alive than I have ever felt before.
I will be absolutely free of the things that I held onto that were holding onto me.
The next place that I go will be so quiet and so still that the whispered song of sweet belonging will rise up to fil lthe listening sky with joyful silence, and with unheard harmonies
of music made by no one playing, like a hush upon a breeze.
There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light.Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun and the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
The next place that I go Won’t really be a place at all.There won’t be any seasons—winter, summer, spring or fall—Nor a Monday,Nor a Friday, Nor December,Nor July. And the seconds will be standing still…while the hours hurry by.
I will not be a boyor girl,a woman or a man.I’ll simply be just,simply me. No worse or better than.
My skin will not be dark or light.I won’t be fat or tall. The body I once lived inwon’t be part of me at all.
I will finally be perfect.I will be without a flaw.I will never make one more mistake,or break the smallest law.
And the me that was impatient,or was angry or unkind,will simply be a memory.The me I left behind.
I will travel empty-handed.There is not one single thingI have collected in my lifethat I would ever want to bringexcept….The love of those who loved me,and the warmth of those who cared.The happiness and memories and magic that we shared.
Though I will know the joy of solitude…I’ll never be alone.I’ll be embracedby all the family and friendsI’ve ever known.Although I might not see their faces,all our hearts will beat as one,and the circle of our spirits Will shine brighter than the sun.

SO, I think the South Beach Diet is more for me.

As far as dieting is going, I've switched to the South Beach Diet and started working out about 2 times a week. It's going pretty well and I actually am starting to feel better as well.

So, what's been up with me in the past month that I haven't posted?? Well, I got my hair chopped, about 6 inches. We're also getting ready to make a trip down to Florida's Walt Disney World on Easter. Why Easter you ask? Well, see it's a lovely story, really. My sister and my brother have been feuding for a month and I'm sure I see no resolution to it for atleast several more months to come. I was supposed to be hosting Easter at my house, but there's no way in hell I'm going to be in the middle of a warzone expecially at my own home...so fuck-em. We're leaving for Disney on the 20th (Thursday) and will be back the following Tuesday. I'm so excited to take the kids down because apparently they have a big Easter egg hunt at the hotel we're staying and and we're going to have Easter dinner with the characters while we're there.

Good news! Madelyn..my lovie, is POTTY TRAINED! Hooray!!! She hasn't had and accident in a week now and she refuses to sleep in pull ups. So, because she's staying dry 24 hours a day, dare I say we're done with diapers?? Hopefully.

Lucas just turned 10 months old. I can't believe my little baby is going to be a year old in two months. I can't believe I have to start planning a birthday party..it's just crazy. On Sunday, I returned the pump back to the hospital and I actually cried. It just feels like I'm giving my baby up one piece at a time. We're still breastfeeding, and will be until his first birthday but I never thought I'd say this, but it saddens me so much. I don't know if we'll have another baby again and just the thought that I will never hold my own newborn in my arms again just crushes me. I guess I'll just wait and see if my sister ever has another baby.

Speaking of siblings who will NOT be having any children, Anthony came out of the closet a couple weeks ago. We even met his..hell, what do you call them anyway...partner?!? He was a nice guy, both of them seemed to get along quite well.

Well, I hope to not go over a month again until I post. I'm at 174.5 today as far as my weight goes. I would love to be down to 168 by the time we go to Florida.

I could have done better yesterday.
I didn't do horrible, but last night for dinner I had 3 pieces of pizza and some watermelon (which wasn't bad). Today has been a little rough as well. I am really trying to cook healthy things for Madelyn because she doesn't eat very well. So, my new thing is to hide veggies in normal everyday food. This morning I made her pancakes with sweet potatoes in them. I ended up eating 3 pancakes with sugar-free syrup, but felt guilty because I bet that was about 9pts. Then this afternoon, the kids were crazy. I was trying to make 2 seperate lunches for me and Madelyn. I was making her Mac-n-Cheese, watermelon, yogurt and soy/chick nuggets. For me, I was having a turkey and cheese sandwich with a spinach salad. I ended up eating that AND about 1/2 cup of her macaroni.

So, according to my estimations (because I'm too lazy right now to calculate it into points) I think the sandwich was about 7, salad about 4 and mac-n-cheese probably 5? So as of right now, I have used 25 out of my 30point allowance. I.Suck.

I guess I'll have to have fruits and veggies for dinner tonight. I can manage it.

By the 2 week's SSTMBLC, I hope to be down to to 172 or better. I was down to 169 this summer...I can do this.

The SSTMBLC! Weigh in- Week 1!

On a toddler mom board I am a member of, we are doing the "Super-Secret Toddler Mom Biggest Loser Challange." What a mouthful! Yesterday was the first weigh-in and I'm still just down 3lbs. We have to take a picture of the scale and flick it off. I think it's to make sure that we're not holding on to anything to lower the weight. Either way it's funny.

Today, I'm going to be a "single mom" because Rob is out of town for the night. So, after I pick Madelyn up from Pre-School, I need write out a shopping list of all the things I need. I'm also thinking of maybe joining the YMCA's areobic classes. Yeah, me, mis-uncoordination joining an areobic class. I'd love to be the person standing behind me watching me screw up all the moves. Maybe Yoga would be better?

Anyways, I'm going to post the picture of the scale every two weeks. Here's today's weigh in and me flicking off the scale.